What better way to follow two posts citing the work of literary icons, than with an extremely ridiculous right-wing rant about how soy “makes you gay”.
I suppose I should clarify that, as ridiculously right-wing as I am, it isn’t my rant. Okay, I’m not right-wing either. I’m so not-right-wing that I’m not even sure if I’m left-wing. I’m like… the guy who shows up to protest marches dressed as a robot carrying a picket-sign covered in binary. Except I lack the perpetuating “ingenuity” and “cleverness” that each of those guys think they have every time they go out thinking “NOBODY will expect this”. I’m situated far and beyond the wings of corporate ‘America’, thank you very much. You might call me “indifferent”, or “ignorant”, or “Canadian”. But news flash — names, unlike sticks and/or stones; will never break my bones or hurt me otherwise.
On with the story. And maybe it is a rant.
Enter Jim Rutz. This nut (appearing in the article as a “60 Minutes” reject) describes the soybean using words such as “devil”, “dangerous”, and “feminizing”. Now, I know soy. We go back years. We know each other so well at this point that I frequently christen my bowels with Bolthouse Farms Vanilla Soy Chai beverages — a few times a week usually. Not to mention tofu, and — well you know where I’m going with this. Soy is in almost everything. In fact, to quote Mr. Rutz “you can hardly escape it anymore”.
And believe me, I’ve tried to escape. But soy has this characteristically ambiguous charm… like if you were to go to masquerade and the woman you find most attractive takes off her mask and appears to be a man. But he’s still giving you that look… and now you can’t tell if she is just dressed up like a man, or is actually a man, dressed up as a woman who’s made-up to look like a cross between a woman and a man. Soy also has an ample supply of steel-knit ropes, folding chairs, and dank, dark basements in case laying on the ol’ soy-charm just isn’t enough to keep you captive(ated).
The inability to escape is just the beginning of Jim’s worries. Since soy contains enough Estrogen to feed a small Girl Guides camp for 6 months, those who intake it are bound to succomb to one of three terrifying results. The first applies to babies. Now calm down, just take a breath. Women feeding soy to their babies are not necessarily saying goodbye to motherhood. They are rather, saying “hello!” to their dead babies. After spouting off senile opinions such as “fighting off the damaging effects of soy”, the good doctor (not really a doctor) explains that babies cannot cope with the “massive assault” of soybean weaponry, leading to “inevitable damage” or “death”. He goes on to compare soy baby formula to 5 birth-control pills.
Which brings me to the second, terrifying ramification of soy consumption. This applies directly to women. Your system just can’t handle this enormous surplus of hormones imprisoned by the evil soybean. What he means by this is that you will become so “girly”, that the entire notion of gender will collapse upon itself, rendering you a genderless mutant (also known as a “democrat”). Not so bad. At least you don’t die like a baby. And although you’re genderless, remember — the soybean is nature’s birth-control pill! You can have as much unprotected non-sex as you could ever want. Which brings me to the last terrifying result. It applies to, well, men…
You catch “gay”.
“What’s so bad about that?” you’re thinking. Well, studies show that over 98% of gays are also homosexuals. A certain percentage of these people also find themselves unwittingly attracted to the same sex. I’ll let the good doctor (not a doctor, barely a journalist) explain:
“Soy is feminizing, and commonly leads to a decrease in the size of the penis, sexual confusion and homosexuality. That’s why most of the medical (not socio-spiritual) blame for today’s rise in homosexuality must fall upon the rise in soy formula and other soy products. (Most babies are bottle-fed during some part of their infancy, and one-fourth of them are getting soy milk!) Homosexuals often argue that their homosexuality is inborn because “I can’t remember a time when I wasn’t homosexual.” No, homosexuality is always deviant. But now many of them can truthfully say that they can’t remember a time when excess estrogen wasn’t influencing them.”
I can sense the disbelief, so I’ll just let you skip on over to his actual, published, somehow not incinerated article to read the rest. My favorite part is how at the end, he excuses soy sauce just because he likes it.
– John “Hate-Mail” O.
The Proverbial Others 
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