“Aboot”

Posted December 16, 2006 by theproverbialothers
Categories: Film, Literature

Another script written by Ryan Johnston.
aboot.pdf

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“Jehovah Wha’!”

Posted December 15, 2006 by theproverbialothers
Categories: Film, Religion

A script written by Ryan Johnston.

jehovah-what-2.pdf

The Devil Drinks Soy Milk

Posted December 12, 2006 by theproverbialothers
Categories: Social and Politics

What better way to follow two posts citing the work of literary icons, than with an extremely ridiculous right-wing rant about how soy “makes you gay”.

I suppose I should clarify that, as ridiculously right-wing as I am, it isn’t my rant. Okay, I’m not right-wing either. I’m so not-right-wing that I’m not even sure if I’m left-wing. I’m like… the guy who shows up to protest marches dressed as a robot carrying a picket-sign covered in binary. Except I lack the perpetuating “ingenuity” and “cleverness” that each of those guys think they have every time they go out thinking “NOBODY will expect this”. I’m situated far and beyond the wings of corporate ‘America’, thank you very much. You might call me “indifferent”, or “ignorant”, or “Canadian”. But news flash — names, unlike sticks and/or stones; will never break my bones or hurt me otherwise.

On with the story. And maybe it is a rant.

Enter Jim Rutz. This nut (appearing in the article as a “60 Minutes” reject) describes the soybean using words such as “devil”, “dangerous”, and “feminizing”. Now, I know soy. We go back years. We know each other so well at this point that I frequently christen my bowels with Bolthouse Farms Vanilla Soy Chai beverages — a few times a week usually. Not to mention tofu, and — well you know where I’m going with this. Soy is in almost everything. In fact, to quote Mr. Rutz “you can hardly escape it anymore”.

And believe me, I’ve tried to escape. But soy has this characteristically ambiguous charm… like if you were to go to masquerade and the woman you find most attractive takes off her mask and appears to be a man. But he’s still giving you that look… and now you can’t tell if she is just dressed up like a man, or is actually a man, dressed up as a woman who’s made-up to look like a cross between a woman and a man. Soy also has an ample supply of steel-knit ropes, folding chairs, and dank, dark basements in case laying on the ol’ soy-charm just isn’t enough to keep you captive(ated).

The inability to escape is just the beginning of Jim’s worries. Since soy contains enough Estrogen to feed a small Girl Guides camp for 6 months, those who intake it are bound to succomb to one of three terrifying results. The first applies to babies. Now calm down, just take a breath. Women feeding soy to their babies are not necessarily saying goodbye to motherhood. They are rather, saying “hello!” to their dead babies. After spouting off senile opinions such as “fighting off the damaging effects of soy”, the good doctor (not really a doctor) explains that babies cannot cope with the “massive assault” of soybean weaponry, leading to “inevitable damage” or “death”. He goes on to compare soy baby formula to 5 birth-control pills.

Which brings me to the second, terrifying ramification of soy consumption. This applies directly to women. Your system just can’t handle this enormous surplus of hormones imprisoned by the evil soybean. What he means by this is that you will become so “girly”, that the entire notion of gender will collapse upon itself, rendering you a genderless mutant (also known as a “democrat”). Not so bad. At least you don’t die like a baby. And although you’re genderless, remember — the soybean is nature’s birth-control pill! You can have as much unprotected non-sex as you could ever want. Which brings me to the last  terrifying result. It applies to, well, men…

You catch “gay”.

“What’s so bad about that?” you’re thinking. Well, studies show that over 98% of gays are also homosexuals. A certain percentage of these people also find themselves unwittingly attracted to the same sex. I’ll let the good doctor (not a doctor, barely a journalist) explain:

“Soy is feminizing, and commonly leads to a decrease in the size of the penis, sexual confusion and homosexuality. That’s why most of the medical (not socio-spiritual) blame for today’s rise in homosexuality must fall upon the rise in soy formula and other soy products. (Most babies are bottle-fed during some part of their infancy, and one-fourth of them are getting soy milk!) Homosexuals often argue that their homosexuality is inborn because “I can’t remember a time when I wasn’t homosexual.” No, homosexuality is always deviant. But now many of them can truthfully say that they can’t remember a time when excess estrogen wasn’t influencing them.”

I can sense the disbelief, so I’ll just let you skip on over to his actual, published, somehow not incinerated article to read the rest. My favorite part is how at the end, he excuses soy sauce just because he likes it.

– John “Hate-Mail” O.

Horse on Fire

Posted December 12, 2006 by theproverbialothers
Categories: Literature

Charles Bukowski has themed a significant portion of the last five months for myself. If you haven’t already read something by him, I would recommend you do so post haste. You might not always agree, but it’ll all come together in the end. I’ve never encountered a person who has so carefully mashed sixteen pounds of humanity and misanthropy into his gut.

This is the Foreword he wrote for his poem-book Roominghouse Madrigals:

A question posed quite often to me is, “why do your out of print books cost so much?” Well, they cost so much because that’s what booksellers can get for them from collectors.

“I want to read your early poems, but…”I don’t even have some of my early books. Most of them were stolen by people I drank with. When I’d go to the bathroom, they did their shit. It only reinforced my general opinion of humanity, and caused me to drink with fewer people. At first, I made efforts to replace these books, and did, but when they were stolen all over again I stopped the replacement process and more and more drank alone. Anyhow, what follows are what we consider to be the best of the early poems. Some are taken from the first few books; others were not in books but have been taken from obscure magazines long ago. The early poems are more lyrical then where I am at now. I like these poems but I disagree with some who claim, “Bukowski’s early work was much better.” Some have made these claims in critical reviews, others in parlors of gossip. In my present poetry, I go at matters more directly, land on them and then get out. I don’t believe that my early methods and my late methods are either inferior or superior to one another. They are just different, that’s all. Yet, re-reading these there remains a certain fondness for that time. Coming in from the factory or warehouse, tired enough, there seemed little use for the night except to eat, sleep, and then return to the menial job. But there was a typewriter waiting for me in those many old rooms with torn shades and worn rugs, the tub and toilet down the hall, and the feeling in the air of all the losers who had preceded me. Sometimes the typewriter was there when the job wasn’t and the food wasn’t and the rent wasn’t. Sometimes the typewriter was in hock. Sometimes there was only the park bench. But at the best of times there was the small room and the machine and the bottle. The sound of keys, on and on.

I was not Hamsun eating his own flesh in order to continue writing, but I had a fair amount of travail. The poems were sent out as written on the first impulse, no line or word changes. I never revisited or retyped. To eliminate an error, I would simply go over it thus: #######, and go on with the line. One magazine editor printed a group of my poems with all the #######s intact.

At any rate, here are many of the poems from that wondrous and crazy time, from those distant hours. The room steamed with smoke, dizzied with fumes, we gambled. I hope they work for you. And if they don’t, well, #### ## ###.

 -mark

On Wanting to Have At Least Three Walls Up Before She Gets Home

Posted December 10, 2006 by theproverbialothers
Categories: Literature

Dave Eggers, in ‘How We Are Hungry’:

He is building a small house in the backyard for when their baby is old enough to use it as a fort or clubhouse getaway, and he wants to have three walls up before his wife gets home. She is at her mother’s house because her mother has slipped on the ice- a skating party, Christmas-themed – and needs help with preparations for her holiday party, planned before the accident. It’s snowing lightly and the air is cold enough to see. He is working on the small house with a new drill he’s bought that day. It’s a portable drill and he marvels at its efficiency. He wants to prove something to his wife, because he doesn’t build things like this often, and she has implied that she likes it when he does build things, and when he goes biking or plays rugby in the men’s legue. She was impressed when he assembled a telescope, a birthday gift, in two hours when the manual had said it would take four. So when she’s gone during this day, and the air is gray and dense and the snow falls like ash, he works quickly, trying to get the foundation done. Once he’s finished with the foundation, he decides that to impress her – and he wants to impress her in some way every day and wants always to want to impress her – he will need at least three walls up on the house by the time she gets home.

-susie

Boy Arrested For ‘Opening Before Xmas’

Posted December 5, 2006 by theproverbialothers
Categories: Social and Politics

You can tell the Christmas season has finally arrived from a number of traditions. Christmas decorations flooding the streets, malls are open late… snow is falling, and young single mothers are having their kids arrested and charged for committing the crime of curiosity. I suppose this is why I was such a mastermind when it came to attempting the feat of discovering the identity of my presents before that insomnia-inducing morning. I mean, this kid got what he deserved. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to learn after just a few years that night-vision, infrared imagery, grappling hooks and x-ray are the only sure-fire way to soothe that pre-December-25th excitement.

So way-to-go, mom! This will, after all, be your son’s most memorable Christmas (last Christmas with mom).

-John O.

Jesus Camp (Updated)

Posted December 4, 2006 by theproverbialothers
Categories: Film, Religion, Social and Politics

In its’ entirety, I present to you “Jesus Camp”. This is a feature-length documentary on extreme, radical right-wing Evangelicals. Narrowing down on one Christian extremist who devotes her life to crushing childrens’ futures, the filmmakers give a terrifying look into the lives of 50% of America’s population. More Americans believe in angels than evolution.

These are just facts, people. Now if you are using prayer-based virus protection, you may want to turn it off before watching.

UPDATE: I had originally planned on linking to the movie hosted on Google Video, but when I went to retrieve the code, it had been taken down. NOW, it appears that Daily Motion has also taken down the video. You will see this on DVD soon, so I suggest you check it out then. Reader “maryt” was kind enough to let us know of Daily Motions lame-ness, and also to give us a link to a clip from Jesus Camp. If I don’t agree with the morals of the little girl featured in the video, I do agree with her taste in heavy metal.

…Just not Jesus metal.

-John O.